Today. Part 3

What to do now? My last few posts have been easier because it was me just telling the story of what we have already been through. I’ve really struggled on what direction to go from here.

My tears these days mostly come from the unknown. The negative pregnancy tests, anger, frustration, unanswered questions, and honestly, loneliness… I feel that I am in constant prayer asking God to remind me that He is here. When I talk to God I tell him he has to really show me a sign. Not a hidden sign but He has to make it clear to me because I don’t “read between the lines” well. 

When we had our miscarriage, we had already been trying to have a baby so once I was cleared after the D&C we wanted to keep trying. At that time I thought we wanted a baby more than ever. Today, I want it even more than I did a year ago. 3 months had gone by of us trying, some would say, “naturally” and we had no luck.  I contacted my doctor again to see if I could be on either Clomid or Letrozole.  Now that he knew I was capable of being pregnant, he went on and prescribed me Clomid. Let me just stop right there…..I had no idea what I was getting myself into. If you have ever taken Clomid you may know where this is going.

The next few months while I was on Clomid were absolutely horrible. I felt like I was in this deep dark hole and I could not get out. Life was just hard. I was talking to my mom one night in the back of the car after dinner and I ended up just crying, for no reason! Somehow, we got on the topic of my medication and she said she had no idea that was how I was feeling. We looked up the symptoms and she had told me about one of her close friend’s daughters who had experienced the same thing with a medicine...come to find out, it was Clomid also. That was all I needed to know. I called my nurse the next month and told her that I was not going to take this anymore. She was so nice. She felt bad that it has been making me feel this way. My doctor has to sign off when I switch medicine but he was already gone for the day. She had called him because I was going to have to start the new medication over the weekend and if I did not get this, I would have missed this month’s window. From that point on for about the next 8 months, I took Letrozole.  The months would come and go.  I could definitely tell a difference with this medicine. Things were still stressful, especially during basketball season.  When taking this medication you have to take on days 3-7 of your cycle, sex every other day on days 14-21, unless you are at your peak and it’s back to back days, lab work on day 26. I mean there are so many things to remember.  As I mentioned, my husband is a coach and when he is gone from 6am until 11pm if not later---it is kinda hard to do some of these things.

One morning, I think it was a Tuesday, I was sitting waiting to get my progesterone lab work done. I luckily only had to do this a few times when I first started each medication because it has always shown that I have ovulated.  Anyways, God knew what He was doing because He knew I needed a friend. I checked in and saw my friend there. I sat down next to her.  We have always known each other but we were never really that close. Oh how things have changed. We small talked for a little bit but I think we were both wondering if we were there for the same reason but it was kinda awkward to ask. I mean people don't just openly go out and say “Hi, I am here to get my lab work because I’m struggling to get pregnant.” Typically, you just sit there quietly trying to get in and out as fast as possible. Finally, we just got it out there in the open, because we kinda figured out that’s what we were both doing anyways. We ended up both seeing the same OBGYN and we started talking all about that. It was so nice to just know another person who sees your same doctor. We were also both taking the same medicine. Things were just lining up. I remember leaving that day and just had this peace of calming and knew this would be the start of a special friendship. Our moms are also friends, so I think it was also nice for them to have someone to talk to that understands what their child is going though. What mom likes to see their daughters struggling? Especially when there is nothing they can do to help. 

When COVID hit, I really thought those next few months could be our chance. Austin and I were both at home and got to “follow the rules” to the T. Nothing was standing in our way. But after months of quarantine… still nothing. I was so frustrated. I did not understand. I knew I was ovulating, so why was I not able to get pregnant? It was just not fair. After talking with my OBGYN they did suggest that we go on and see a fertility specialist in Little Rock because maybe there was something more they could do. Austin and I were both just tired of trying the same thing and nothing happening. If there were more to be done, even if it was finding out bad news, I would rather know so that we could either accept the issue or just do whatever we needed to do to fix the problem.  They got my referral in and we had our first appointment in June. 

We started by getting all sorts of tests done, starting with my TSH, LH, FSH, AMH, HgBA1C, Estradiol, Progesterone, etc. Everything came back normal. Austin got his “levels” checked. Normal. I had an ultrasound to look at my uterus and ovaries…normal. Lastly, I went and got an HSG test done to check for any blockage or scar tissue (which I hated getting done- it definitely brought back how I felt after the D&C)…normal. What in the world?? Nothing has come back wrong whatsoever. The only thing that was a little higher than normal was my AMH, but the doctor said I was only in the 75% percentile. He reassured me that it was still nothing to worry about. As nice as it is to hear the words “normal”, it is almost more frustrating because if things were normal then why can we not get pregnant? I am doing all the right things and following all the rules. If you have experienced infertility, you know that it can be exhausting.  

So where are we today? Well…we still do not have answers. I get really frustrated because I know how bad we want this.  Our doctor does have a plan for the next few months so we are just having to be patient and pray that we remember it is all in God's timing.  Through this He has known what I needed.  My friend that I talked about earlier, she and I are both using the same specialist.  I am so thankful that me and her have remained friends through all these years. We definitely did not know 15 years ago that we would both be going through this, and although we wish our circumstances were different, being able to go through this together has strengthened our friendship and bonded us in beautiful ways. God knew that we needed each other.  Although the last few years have been hard, I have grown as a person, we have grown in our marriage, and we have been given blessings that I would not have seen otherwise and I look forward to sharing that.  

xoxo 

be kind

Hann

Part 2.

Here we are. I want to start by sharing the first part of the story of how we got to where we are today. I want you all to remember that this is just my personal story. I understand that everyone has a different story and for some of you, you may have been struggling for much longer. I want to also hear what you have gone through.

June 2, 2019. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. It was a Sunday morning. My husband, Austin, is the head boys basketball coach at a school here in Arkansas—yes, that makes me a coach’s wife & I love being his biggest fan. Anyways, I had gone to meet Austin at the University where they were having a team basketball camp. The camp would provide a devotional Sunday morning for anyone who wanted to go before the games started that day.  Over the last few years of attending this camp, I have always gone to meet Austin and the team for worship. I remember telling him before I left my plans for the day; that I had to run to Walmart to get groceries and that I also still hadn’t “started.” 

Now let me back up a little bit to the previous month. It was the beginning of May... We had been trying to get pregnant for a while and so we finally decided to go to my doctor to see if there was anything I could take (my friends had told me about clomid and letrozole). Long story short- my doctor did not want me to start on either one of those pills. He wanted to make sure everything was good with mine and Austin’s “levels.” So, we set up that appointment and it was going to be about a week before we could get in. There was so much going on that week: end of the school year, planning summer vacations, camps, etc. We were just very nervous about the situation to begin with and in a way, the thought of getting our levels tested brought on more stress. So after talking through it, we decided we were not ready to start that yet and that it would be best to wait. We told each other we would keep trying through the summer and if I was not pregnant by August, we would go back and revisit the situation and move forward with it. Little did we know God had a different plan...

After leaving the basketball camp that morning, I went home. If you are like me, when you are trying to get pregnant you take a test every chance you can. (Here is a little tip for those of you who don’t already know…one of my best friends had told me about a year ago that there are .99 pregnancy test?! SAY WHAT?!  I am not sure I even want to know the amount of money I have spent on pregnancy tests so when I found that out I was super happy.) But anyway, I had taken a test earlier that week and it was negative. But, just like I did every other month, I still decided to test again. I got home and took another test… and for the first time ever I saw TWO LINES!! I about freaked out!! I was going crazy. I could not believe what I was seeing. I ran to Walmart to pick up my groceries (I normally do Walmart pick up when I know I need pregnancy tests because I always felt awkward going in to grab those boxes).  This time I got the “expensive” Clearblue box. I ran home to test again and low & behold I saw 1 word…pregnant. Remind you, Austin is at camp and I have yet to tell him. I made a video of myself freaking out so that I could show him my reaction. I wanted to tell him in person so for the time being, I  just texted him “I love you so much.” I went up to the gym because they were about to have a game and afterward I drove him to the next game. He looked at me and said “You’re pregnant aren’t you.” I guess I don’t send mushy texts that often. He said that it gave it away. We were both just so excited. 

That evening after the camp was over we wanted to tell our parents, so we went over to their place. The excitement that they showed was just the best! I wish I could share the video! We called my in-laws, and went and told my grandparents. We were just so excited that we couldn’t wait for all our family and close friends to know.

Those next few weeks before our first appointment were so exciting. I remember getting little things in the mail from the “baby fairy”, my mom picking up little things each time she went to Walmart (creams, diapers, etc.) It was just so fun! Our first appointment came and we got to see our little one and hear its heartbeat. God is just so good. He had created this little tiny human. Our little baby was due February 10, 2020. We had already scheduled our vacation- we were going on a cruise to celebrate! I had double checked with my doctor to make sure everything was good for me to go. Right before we left, one of my friends took a few announcement pictures of us so that when we got back from our vacation I could post our exciting news. We got to fully enjoy what we thought was our last trip as just the two of us. 

When we got back I was around 10 weeks along. We decided to go ahead and announce on social media that we were expecting. A week later, I had my second doctor’s appointment. 

            Side note:  My mom & I are very close. We talk about almost everything. Her and my dad had left for a cruise a few days after we had gotten back. For some reason I was just devastated. I did not want her to leave when I knew I had another doctor appointment. I knew that I was not going to be able to call or text her & tell her how everything went. She is a nurse so I would always ask her opinion on things. I did not just cry, I balled when I talked to her last. I blamed the pregnancy hormones. 

I thought all was going to be fine. I had not experienced anything that would have led me to believe I would have miscarried. July 16 came around and we had our second appointment! Austin and I showed up for what we thought was just going to be a normal check up. The doctor came in and used the little ultrasound doppler and moved it all around…we were not hearing anything. He said that it could have been too early still and we should go get on the big machine. As we were waiting, I was freaking out. I was so blessed to have Austin with me. He definitely kept me calm though it all. 

After what felt like hours of waiting (about 15 minutes), we went into the room where the machine confirmed my worst fear- any mother’s worst fear. Our little baby no longer had a heartbeat. Oh my heart was broken. We got to take home one last ultrasound picture. The nurse left and Austin just held me close. I never thought this could have or would have happened. I tried to be strong in public. I did not want to lose it because I knew if I did I would not be able to get myself back together. 

Pretty soon the doctor came back into the room. He was telling me all these things but I was barely hearing anything. All I caught was that I had 3 options: I could wait it out naturally, I could take a pill and let everything happen at home, or I could have a D&C. We had no idea what to do. He let me take some time and figure it out and told me just to call and let them know. I was just so devastated because this is when I would call my mom to ask her. I had no way of reaching her. Sometimes, girls just need their momma (just fyi- she will now never go on a vacation without making sure I can reach her). 

Austin and I left. We finally got to the truck where I completely lost myself. He held me tight. He has and will always be my stronghold. Man, I love him so much. We were both hurting so bad. I am so thankful for my in-laws; when we told them, they immediately came from Marion to stay and be with us that night. 

I had so many emotions. I was so hurt, angry, frustrated. Everything there is to feel, I was feeling it. I did not understand why God would do this. Why would he allow us to be so hurt? I had so many questions but they all came back to - why? Why us? My birthday was at the end of July and I had already ordered an early gender test kit. We were going to do a gender reveal for my birthday. I am such a planner and nothing was going the way we planned. Everything just stopped.   

Like I had mentioned earlier, my mom is a nurse. She has several close friends in her department that I have also grown to know very well and trust. Austin and I still had no idea what to do moving forward, so I reached out to one of them. She immediately called me. She filled my mom’s role so well. She helped us by talking through the options and we decided that the D&C route was what we felt was best. 

God has had His hand on us through this whole thing. I was not supposed to hear from my mom, but she decided to pay for 24 hours of phone service. She texted me that night asking how everything went. I was finally able to talk, cry, and explain everything. She was hurting so bad for us. I was by no means better, but talking to her made me just a little bit on the mend. 

My doctor and his nurse are just wonderful. They were both so kind and helpful through this. I explained that we wanted to do the D&C and I asked if I could wait until my parents got back.  I knew that for this I would be prepped in the Outpatient department and that is where my mom worked. Again, God just had his hand with us through everything. I had the two ladies who I have known so long prep me. One of them was not even on the schedule that day but she came in just for me. I felt so much more secure knowing I was in good hands. 

The following weeks were very hard. I cried so many times. Austin was always right beside me. Our worlds had been turned upside down. On the outside I felt like I had to be strong, as if it was not okay to show I was heartbroken. My thinking was that this just happens to people and I was supposed to a big girl and move on. Looking back, I know I probably did not grieve in the right way. I felt like I could really only cry and express everything to Austin. We had already posted and for a long time people kept coming up to me saying “congratulations.” It was so awkward telling them that I was not pregnant. Sometimes all I could do was just ignore it. I was just not yet ready to tell everyone what had happened. Hearing all the “I’m sorrys” was not the attention that I wanted. 

There are so many people that were there for us. My family, friends, and so many more. I could not have gotten through everything still to this day without my three closest friends. They had all experienced things like this and were there for me even on the darkest days. I love each of them so much!

Life has continued over the last year. We are still trying to have our rainbow baby. I pray for each of you that have experienced a miscarriage. Some of you did it silently and nobody knew. Some of you were like me and have spoken about it. Each situation is different and everyone handles grief in a different way. This experience has brought Austin and I closer. We have had our hard days, but at the end of the day we know that God does have a plan for us, even though we do not yet know what it is. Before we got pregnant, we wondered if we ever could get pregnant. Through this experience, God has shown us that we ARE able to, we just now have to wait for His timing. I still have a lot of “why” questions, but I am having to learn to be patient.  God has taught me many things with what we have gone through and are going through now with our fertility journey & I will look forward to sharing that with you next time. 

xoxo be kind,

Hann

Jason Grey: Remind Me You’re Here.

None of my pain

Has ever caught You by surprise

Still, it's hard to trust You

When I'm lost in the wonderin' why

But I'll trade every question

Just to lay down and rest in Your heart

And I'll reach for Your hand

Though You led me here into the dark

And I won't ask You for reasons

'Cause a reason can't wipe away tears

No, I don't need all the answers

Just be here beside me

Father, remind me You're here

Here

If it's random or providence

Neither are a comfort to me

Are You cruel if You planned it,

Or weak if You allowed it to be?

Half of me's still believin'

The other half is angry and confused

Oh, but all of me is desperate

And longing to be held by You

So I won't ask You for reasons

'Cause a reason can't wipe away tears

No, I don't need all the answers

Just be here beside me

Father, remind me You're here

Here

Get me outta my mind

And into Your arms

Where hope comes alive

And fear falls apart

I won't ask You for reasons

'Cause a reason can't wipe away tears

No, I don't need all the answers

Just be here beside me

Come be here beside me

And I won't ask You for reasons

'Cause a reason can't wipe away tears

No, I don't need all the answers

Just be here beside me

Father, remind me You're here

Here, just need to know

That You're here, yeah

Here, I just need to know that You're here

Part 1.

Well, here I am. I have gone back and forth trying to decide if this is even something I want to do. I have debated this for several reasons:

1- I have always hated writing papers. English was not my strong suit in either high school or college (I waited till my senior year spring semester to take Composition 2 because I was hoping that it would just magically disappear).

 2- I don’t want to be judged. The last thing I want is for people to think I am doing this for attention.  My emotions can sometimes take the best of me. I know we should not always worry what people think of us, but I do.

3- Do I want to be vulnerable? Some of you know what Austin & I have been going through, but do I want this to be public?

4- A reason I do want to do this is that I pray I will be able to help and encourage just one of you.  I want you to know that you are not alone.

 5- Lastly, the most important reason and why I decided to start this is that I cannot hide anymore. I have been thinking about writing this for a while. In fact, I think about this all the time. I really feel that God is calling me to share our story and experience. We are here on this earth for such a short time. This is just a passing zone to get to our eternal reward. Sometimes I am not sure what my “calling” is but if I can use this to share God’s word and remind you that we are the clay and he is the artist, I will.

So, where to even start? Wednesday, August 26, 2020 was the day I decided to start writing. I had cried all morning (definitely not the first time) because of one.little.line.

When I was a little girl I always planned on growing up, getting married (having a fairytale wedding) and then having two kids by the time I was 30. Who doesn’t have those plans? I got the married and fairytale wedding part covered- maybe one of these days I will write about how I literally had my absolute dream wedding. Now that is something I could talk about for days! 

Maybe this is just me, but I used to think that when you were ready to have a baby…well, you just did. I did not think about having to plan around which week and even down to which day. Even then it is only like what... a 25% chance of getting pregnant when you try on the “right” day?? This was definitely way more thought and planning than I had expected.

Throughout this blog I want to be able to share our story and how God has/is working in our life. For those of you who do not know, we lost our little baby in July 2019. We had been trying to get pregnant before that, so we were so excited when we found out we were. Unfortunately, our little one’s life ended much sooner than we planned. Since then, we have been trying to have our rainbow baby.

It really hit me a few weeks ago. I was scrolling through my phone and saw the videos and pictures we had from when I was pregnant. I started crying because that was such an exciting time and one I had wanted to share with all my friends. The videos of telling your parents and grandparents you’re pregnant for the first time is a beautiful feeling that you can’t even explain. Anyways, I want to be able to share that here. I want my readers to feel like they can post and share their excitement that they never got to share with anyone. I want to be able to talk about the highs and lows after a miscarriage, what it is like to be struggling to get pregnant, and so much more. Some of these things are just not talked about enough in the world. It is almost as if it is hidden. It’s not until you see one person post about it or until you yourself go through it personally that you realize how common it actually is. You also don’t truly understand what it feels like until you’ve gone through it. You can tell someone you’re praying for them in any situation but when you yourself have been through something you can relate and understand on a whole new level. I hope and pray that writing my thoughts and sharing with you all is going to benefit us both. I have said it before, but I want each and every one of you out there that are struggling to become parents or those of you who have experienced a miscarriage with the message that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I want us to be able to come together and be able to talk about our experiences. Like I said, I have tried to ignore the signs to share our story but I just can’t do it any longer.  I look forward to continuing to share our story. But in the meantime-remember this: “and if not He is still good.”

God, I don't even know if I will say the right things. I pray that you give me the right words to say. You know my thoughts and I pray that you help me write them out. Please take the fear away from me. I am stepping way out of my comfort zone and trying to be vulnerable. I pray that our journey may be able to help someone, even if it is just one person. I pray for every family who is currently going through something. Place your hand on them. Remind them that you are here. Amen.

be kind,

Xoxo, Hann

Welcome

Hey y'all!

I’m Hannah Harrell! I’m so glad you found my blog. I started this in 2020 as a way to share my story and my life with other women. I would love to one day share my love of fashion and beauty. I hope my little space on the internet can be a place where women feel inspired and, through reading my story, know that life has its ups and downs and they’re not alone.

A little about me: I’m a southern girl raised in a small town that is very close to my heart. I am blessed to still live in the town that raised me, and still be close to all the people that I love. That being said, family has always been so important to me. In 2016, I had my dream, Cinderella wedding to my best friend, Austin. He is now a coach, making me a coach’s wife, a life that I absolutely adore! A couple other little things about me: I love being in the sun, Netflix, and making people smile:)

Again, although I want this to be happy place to share my outfits and tips, the main reason I have wanted to start this is to share pieces of my heart and my life that are much deeper than that. A little something I want to end my posts with is a saying that I say often as a reminder to both to myself and to those around me: “be kind.” I have always said that when you are kind, everything you do goes further. Not only does it make other’s lives better, it makes your own life better, as well. Thank you so much for reading my blog and giving me the chance to reach out to more people than I would in normal  day-to-day life!

be kind

xoxo,

Hannah Lane

Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. 

       -1 Timothy 4:12